Saying Goodbye

I will sleep tonight with an extremely heavy heart and puffy, red eyes. Today I had to leave my home here in Malawi. 

I remember my ideas about Peace Corps and Africa before I left America. Like most people who have never been to Africa and who often only hear about the bad things that happen here, I was intimidated and a bit scared about the idea of living in a rural village by myself. My going away parties were difficult—I thought they would be the hardest goodbyes I’d ever face. Not seeing so many people I care deeply about for two years; I couldn’t even imagine it.  

But today was hard in a different kind of way. Saying goodbye to someone you love, knowing you’ll be back in two years, is completely unlike saying goodbye to someone whom you don’t know if you’ll ever see again (partially because you know they don’t have the means to leave). I’ve said a lot of goodbyes in the past two years, and I thought I’d progressed from the days when I was always the first to cry at the end of cross-country camp or at graduations. But as it turns out, I’m still a hot mess when it comes to goodbyes. I barely made it through two sentences of my speech at our village farewell party today before breaking down in tears. 

My favorite neighbor kids

Integrating into a foreign culture and community in two years is a hefty task, but one that I feel completely confident that I accomplished. I made a home for myself and by myself, and I gained strength through all the challenges along the way. I didn’t really broadcast it to all of social media, but I was seriously considering extending my contract here for another year. After much back and forth though, I decided against it because I felt like staying would mean I was settling in my comfort zone (that’s how comfortable I am here). 

I’ve honestly never felt so welcomed and appreciated by a community anywhere that I’ve lived. These people allowed me into their lives and into their homes. The kids all know my name and chant it anytime they see me coming. I don't get azungu-priced. I can converse with anyone, anywhere, and about almost anything. You know when they say that if you enjoy your job, then it wont feel like work? That’s how I’ve felt here. I simply observed and identified the highest priority needs in a place full of poverty and disease and worked with motivated people to design programs or trainings to try to help make peoples’ lives easier. What could be better than helping others? I’ve gotten so much enjoyment out of giving.

My primary counterpart (work partner) and I
with our remembrance bracelets

But every good thing must come to an end. Today was my last day in Bondo Village and tomorrow it will be in my past. As much as I tried to prepare myself for this day during these past few weeks and months, it still doesn’t quite feel real. I feel like I’m going on a holiday and that soon I’ll be back to those smiling faces and typical village days, like always. As with most big life changes, I know the pain will fade with time as I go on to new adventures and experiences. But I don’t want to forget anything about this journey. I’ve found things here in Malawi that have been incredibly meaningful to me; things like self-confidence and community and perspective. And I never want to lose them.   

Our SOLID team presenting me with a beautiful
chitenje with the Malawi crest and flag on it

But today I “lost” my home. Yes, Bondo will always be in my heart and in the back of my mind, but I don’t know if I’ll ever see it again. And this is precisely why today was probably the most difficult day I’ve faced since arriving in Malawi. I know that I should just appreciate what I’ve been given: these amazing two years during which I’ve experienced and grown so much and been able to live in this wonderful community with the best, and one of the most underrated views of a mountain that I’ve ever seen in my whole life. But there’s also a small part of me that’s terrified that I’ll never find another job/lifestyle/community that I’ll love as much as I’ve loved this one. I will miss this village. No matter what anyone says to make it seem easier, I’m still leaving my home with no return date on the horizon.

But life is about change and adapting. My time in Malawi with Peace Corps may be finished, but who knows what the world has in store for my future. I’m excited for fresh experiences, learning curves, and adventures. I’m also excited to see my incredible friends and family who have supported me through all of this. 

Cheers to the memories and laughs to come….